2 Sept 05, Friday, 1600
I went to bed depressed last night. I became exhausted in the afternoon and sad after only getting one letter in snail mail (but it was from Margie, so that was good of course J ) and no email from Mike. Home from work late, one hour to wait to get on a phone at the phone center, irritable convo with Mom L, and then 20 sec convo with Mike. My heart sank when I got a casual, “What’s going on?” then me, “hello, it’s me” and another “ya, what’s up?” from Mike when I called. He was on his way out the door to his promotion but still, jeez. He did squeeze in an “I miss you, baby; I love you” but I was sad. I sat on the roof and talked to Patrick awhile afterwards.
|rooftop of the Alamo
No run this am, to work at 8 on little sleep and exhausted by 1300 again. Patrick annoys me a bit at work L and I’m just drained tired. Anyway, home at 1500. I called Matt and we talked for 40 minutes. Talked mostly about us. Very mutual loving and missing L I do miss him so much. Hope to write more later but must sleep now.
2145 – the second half of the day was better even though I never got to nap b/c the power went out and commotion outside my door. But I went for a run, did some pull ups, and talked to Patrick a bit.
Tomorrow we officially take the mission from VMU-2 and I will apparently really being my “training.” Let’s hope all goes well.
I miss my sweet Matt. Feeling confused because I have such strong feelings for two very different men. I don’t want to “play” either one of them, but I do love and miss them both. My relationship with Mike just seems so unsure to me. We’ve never really had a lot of quality time together and things seemed shakily “together” when I left, so it’s hard to feel super confident about our relationship…especially when he doesn’t offer a lot of reassurance/confirmation. And it’s so easy to compare and contrast Matt and Mike. Like today when I called Matt, it was 4am his time and he was just getting up for work. Did he sound irritated or make excuses at all? No. He brushed his teeth, shaved, etc all while talking to me. And even though in some ways it was a sad/tough/emotional conversation, I felt good after I got off the phone with him. So many times after talking to Mike, I feel worse. L Anyway, I guess I don’t know what I really want. A huge part of me desperately wants things to work with Mike, but I have a sinking feeling they won’t because his priorities are so different from mine. Whereas, I think Matt and I being together again could be so easy. He’s so easy to get along with, he’s so sweet, and there’s no question in my mind how much he loves me. Yet, I often wonder if Mike and I have is mostly lust? I dunno. I love and miss them both L
3 Sept 05 – Saturday, 2240
We took mission today and because of this things were quieter (thus better) at work. I felt like I learned a lot, but still have a ways to go. My Marines are smart, motivated, and easy to work with; I can’t complain in that department at all. What they do is awesome. Lots of emailing today – mostly between Kate and I – because I STILL haven’t gotten an email from Mike since Sun/Mon other than his one liner “sorry” from two days ago. I think it is becoming very clear that Mike is NOT going to be there for me the way he needs to be/should be. It’s made me feel terrible for days and I can’t be worrying about this while I’m here. Plus, it just hurts. L I just don’t think he really loves me. I c’mon, ONE email all week?!
I talked to Becci tonight finally. She gave good advice and said to make it a “lets just be friends” thing at this point. He’s obviously not willing or able to do basic relationship things with me right now. She was very excited to hear from me, though, so that was cool.
I didn’t PT today. Time for bed.
From prayer journal: Lord, I need you to live in me and speak through me. I love two very different men very much, God, and am not sure what it means or what to do about it. Please give me answers during my time in Iraq and beyond. Help me do the right thing. Help me not to be so selfish. Lord, dwell in me…dwell in me. Let me foster, keep, and form relationships pleasing to You.
Dear God, please keep after Mike’s soul. Keep after Scott and Kate and Peter, too. Only You can change their hearts. Lord, please hug my mom for me, and Rachel and Becci and Matt, too. Help Matt H with his emotions; comfort him. Let him know I truly do love him. Hug Mr Teddy for me, too, please. J