14 November 2005, 19:00 Monday

Al Asad, Iraq à Here I sit in the Al Asad J-COT waiting for a flight out on a C-130 to TQ.  My day started around 0600 when my alarm went off and I hit snooze a few times.  Jen got home around 0700 and we chatted briefly before she went to bed.  She was like, “I can’t believe you’re leaving today! L  I didn’t approve that!” J  She’s really nice.  She also said it was really nice meeting me and to let her know if I ever need anything.  It’s a bummer because I’ll miss kind of a having a gal pal.  Anyway, I packed up and went to work for a few hours.  We were really busy because the Marines are taking over the city of Ubaydi today, so work was good.  At 10:00ish, I went for a dinky run, waited for the shower, showered, packed, went to work, then to J-COT after the goodbyes.  Funky was super bummed out; he’s a good guy à very nice note enclosed that he gave me last night.  Anyway, we flew from AQ to Camp Rawah to Haditha Dam (which was super cool) then to Al Asad where we’ve had like a six hour wait.  I heard an F-14 had to divert to AA this afternoon and it could have easily been Scott, or at least someone from his squadron I know, but I can’t figure out if they’re still here or not. L  It’s made me think a lot about Scott today.  Well, I think about him quite a bit sometimes anyway because I have such fond memories of times with him in VA Beach…very fond.  And it makes me homesick and miss him and VA Beach and his friends when I daydream about this past summer.  We had SUCH a great time together!  And now as I’m writing, with my iPod on shuffle, a song from Mike’s mix came on.  It’s so perfect for this recent break up with him:
                Suddenly I’m feeling like you wanted something more than this
                If you don’t stop giving it, you won’t know how it feels
                Don’t start sleeping in, you don’t know how I feel
                ‘Cause God knows that I let you down

                This is a wall you try to shake
                This is my focus you try to break
                This is the fall that I have to take to know that you care

I think his comments about this song (three years ago) were that he knew he let me down because he couldn’t give me what I deserved.  Whatever.  He didn’t even try – AGAIN – this time.  One similar thing that I really like about both Scott and Mike was their love of music.  You know what, though?  The CD’s they burned for me were very different and I think Mike’s choices revealed his selfishness whereas more of Scott’s songs were more romantic.  I still think about Mike, though, L and am brainstorming a plan to get him to come visit me in March and I will just be aloof with him and hurt him.  I know I could probably never pull that off, though, and it would only bring me down and depress me.  But the thing I keep asking myself is: Why doesn’t he want to be with me?!  Why am I not worth it to him?!  So many other great guys think so highly of me, admire me, heck, have fallen in love with me, or meet me and want to date me, or get to know me and want to date me, think I’m great, etc.  Yet, Mike is so willing to throw me away when any man who’s gotten to know me has fallen for mand wanted to be with me (in the last couple of years) and/or tell me any man who wins my hearts will be so lucky!  Then there’s this one guy, Mike, who is probably the least deserving of my love of anyone I’ve been with who I end up loving the most! L 

I’m so lonely here in Iraq. I think of everyone – Alex, Matt, Scott, Chris…even Patrick or DJ – as options and it is confusing.  All I’d wanted was Mike and somehow, half a world away (as I listen to Esthero sing over and over again “half a world away”) everything reminds me of Mike.  Music is so powerful. O.A.R. came on and that makes me think of Pensacola.  Oh to be in Pensacola right now! J  If it is God’s plan, I would really like to move back to Pensacola next year.  Speaking of P-cola, I’ve pondered the possibility of Scott and I being there at the same time and how much fun that would be to date…like VA Beach.  That’s how dating someone is supposed to be!  With someone in the same city, who you see on a daily basis but miss, and who you have a blast with and are at ease with.  I am sad I didn’t run into Scott today at AA.  Wow, I miss romance.  Athlete’s “Wires” is playing on my iPod.  I miss sharing my beauty and love and passion and depth with a man…emotionally, physically, intellectually…spiritually.  I know I have so much to give and I want to give it to someone, I want to bring un-nameable, immeasurable joy and passion and love and longing to someone.  I want to be someone’s baby, I want to be taken care of yet seen as strong and dependable and beautiful and cherished and noticed as different and special…and for me to feel exactly the same way about him.  I wish I could play guitar and sing and I’d write my own songs and play them, and it’d be great.  That would be so cool!  I’m going to do great things one day.  I’m going to be great wife and mom and keep loving my family so much and have a fun job and life! J  I miss DC.  I miss dancing.  I miss meeting new people.  I miss flirting.  I miss laughing out of control with girlfriends.  I miss my parents.  I miss Teddy.  I miss just doing nothing with Becci. I miss riding my bike.  I miss dressing up.  I miss going out.  I miss playing soccer.  I miss home.  I miss driving my car.  I miss Church.  I miss real fellowship.

PS I finished the Pelican Brief today; it was good.