gorgeous sunset in northwest Iraq

9 November, 2200 Wednesday
Well, they were hammering away at something all night, so I only got about 4 hours of sleep tops.  I was coughing and sneezing all day, but had a decent one.  Flew at work again today, scrounged a somewhat good lift in at the gym, and hung out a bit tonight after work.  I am very, very homesick but feel ok overall.  I think I look very tired, though.
Boys on the brain:   Matt – I love him and miss him, but who the heck knows anymore; Alex – if I stay in Cali, a definite possibility to hang out; Chris – still in love with me (according to him), but I’m not sure how I feel about him.  Sometimes I think I could be with him long-term; DJ – I don’t think there’s much of a real romantic love interest left there anymore, though, but love our friendship; Scott – I like him so much, but we are too different.  He’s still got very strong feelings for me and I do miss him a lot, too; Patrick – has said he wants to date, but I definitely don’t for lots of reasons;  Jim – Funky’s best friend who he said he wants to set me up with; Mike – I haven’t had any contact with him since that last IM convo and it’s been great.  My soul is finally being set free from that…
Just food for thought…

L-R: Daniels, Cornejo, me, Koopman

11 November 2005, 2100 Friday
Yesterday was another pretty uneventful day at work.  I went for a decent run, but it was painful because I felt like I had a 10 pound brick in my bowels! L  Last night we had a pretty lame Marine Corps Birthday “celebration.”  It was kind of a downer especially thinking of last year’s ball and what a blast that was.  Oh well.

USMC Birthday Presentation in Iraq

I woke up so tired again this morning for another calm day at work.  I’ve gotten a lot of emails the last couple fo days which has been nice, and Patrick says I have a ton of mail and packages at TQ.  I’m really looking forward to opening all of that, and having my own room again. 
So, I had been going really strong for over a week as far as not thinking about Mike goes, but a lot of conversations lately have kind of brought him up.  And now, I’ve got my iPod on shuffle and “I Know” from Pat McGee came on.
I know I won’t be there tomorrow, baby, now
I know I wasn’t there today
These times are harder than they used to be and now
I’m fine if you’re still thinking of me

Honestly, I don’t think my feelings for Mike are healthy – before, during, or after being “together.” L
I feel like our little group here is pretty close.  After work tonight, SSgt Cornejo and Dave and I sat around and talked, and Top and Tim were there at the end, too.  Plus, I spend the afternoons (post nap or PT) in sweats or PT gear and it’s just comfy. J  You know what I think is so funny, though?  That like 45 year old mean call me “ma’am.”  It’s just kind of a funny concept to me.  Even Tim who is a retired Gunny and works for Boeing now, calls me “ma’am” all the time.  The guys here are nice, though.  They’re quasi-flirty yet big brothery to me.  I guess if I needed any ego boosters, I’ve gotten plenty since I’ve been out here because they always make comments about how people stare at me, or that I have “hottie skills,” or allude to me being hot (or sometimes don’t even allude!).  Just observations.  It’s kind of funny, kind of not.  Also, I must have adapted to all the helicopter noise here because I seem to be sleeping better.  It’s just that I always have to get up to pee in the middle of the night!
Well, as far as all the “ego-boosters” go, they essentially mean nothing to me (obviously).  I want a real man, a real relationship, someone who I can 100% depend on in all matters of life; I want passion and compatibility.  I want someone with Scott’s brain, and fun side, and love for music…and Mike’s drive and smarts and success and physical connection and passion…and Matt’s free spirit and truly good heart and uniqueness and big smile and love for me…and Chris’s dependability and love of family and willingness to stand up to me when I’m being a brat yet understanding when he needs to be…and DJ’s love of the Lord and organization and trustworthiness and ability to sit and talk about anything.  SIGH. 
I am lonely.  I am homesick.  I miss my friends…my GIRL friends.  I miss socializing, dancing, getting dressed up, going out to dinner, riding my bike, swimming, playing soccer, TEDDY.  I haven’t even been here three months yet!  I already can’t wait to get home.  I can’t wait for the time to pass and the day to come when my heart doesn’t remember Mike anymore; to think fondly of him just doesn’t make sense and I hate when I miss him.  If I could be around family and friends and a good man, I could easily forget him.
I took a nap today even though it was gorgeous out because I was just so sleepy.  I hope I get regular (with PT and poop! J hahaha) at TQ.